FAKING FABULOUS.

2011 was the most challenging year I’ve had to deal with, mentally, physically and emotionally. Quite frankly, I couldn’t wait to see the back of it.

My baby sister got married Late December. This bought out the competitive side to the wedding party…….wow…….it was tense. We all decided to do our own version of the biggest looser…..yes we did. With, Contestant number one wanting to walk down the aisle looking 15 years younger. Contestant number two putting us through a brutal exercise routine running up Luton’s steepest hill then, risking our lives running back down….this contestant got out the rat race by purposely getting a bun in the oven. Contestant number three placed a bet that she could make her signature hips vanish….cough cough, not mentioning any names.

The bride to be’s home became a green smoothie heaven…. Or hell for some. Spinach, banana and orange juice…apple juice if you wanted a treat …true story. At this point for me,starving myself started to look like an attractive option.

With the wedding approaching fast I felt i had done everything I could to shift the unwanted pounds. Running, gym, falling in love, breaking up, the uncomfortable cycling machine,green smoothies, walking, weight watchers, team exercise, emails full of encouragement and healthy option recipes, steam spa’s whilst wrapped in cling film….what?……nobody else tried that?! Moving on swiftly, I am now fully qualified to give sound advice on weight loss.

Did it do the trick? Hell no! Any weight shifted ended up due to stress and bad nerves so we all threw in the towel.  Loosing stones was the bride and grooms problem! I only had to worry about shedding pounds. So I decided to explore alternative methods of weight loss. I would walk down that aisle looking like a size zero by hook or crook…so here’s the crook………

I have been a nip and tuck snob for a very long time. I’m not talking about your under the knife nip and tuck…..I’m talking girdles, corsets, control underpants, cycling pants, push up bra’s, breast reduction bra’s, waist nippers, tummy tuckers, bum padded knickers…..not forgetting the death by underwear body magic!! Only for the brave i tell ya.

Im talking instant body fixers! Luring me with promises of an hour glass figure. Leaving me in a cloud of heavenly whispers…..support, boost, contours, flattens……..sweet words.
The pain and suffering of a day in a woman’s body! Damn it! i’ll take the whole lot in the size smaller than i am…..yes i said it……it gives extra cinch!

I’m a 34 year old figure cheat virgin who recently succumbed to my body calling out for a little helping hand. Seeing as me and the gym no longer speak the same language I have recently made purchases, worn the purchases, nearly cut my self out of the purchases, can’t live without my purchases and often times have trouble breathing in my purchases. I have however practiced passing out gracefully, worst case scenario

Why has it taken me so long to come on board… Well I’ve been told I over analyze everything…. Fact..
My first thought about squeezing into a pair of tummy tuckers was…. How would this affect my sex life?….. Am I the only one that thought of those intimate details? How a man would feel after everything was released to it’s original position? How romantic was,your partner fighting to take off your latex underwear in the heat of passion? Can you really be spontaneous when you’re being hoisted up by these miracle shape fixers?? All this secret support that aren’t so secret!!! Is it only me that thinks of these things?

Well, after years of thinking it’s not worth it, I’ve given up! Desperate times have called for desperate measures! I’m now obsessed and want to know what the next piece of underwear can do for me?! It surely  can’t just be underwear with no perks…..that’s so 80′s.
The right underwear is very key to how your clothes look on the outside. Its not just about appearing to look more shapely or thinner, it’s about smoothing out the appearance of your figure giving a tidy finish. Nobody likes the look of over spill, back fat, bat wings, love handles, sagging boobs etc.

So rather than spend another year trying out the second most dangerous fad diet in Britain…….drunkorexia.
My new year resolution is to fake fabulous. I figure, life is too short to fight with mother nature. So I’m taking matters into my own hands by enhancing what mother nature forgot.

If you’re having sleepless nights cause you aren’t got it……fake it! Whatever you do, stay safe and do let someone in on your little secret. The chances of passing out are on a shocking rise lol.

PS…….Don’t worry about the effects on the sex life and romantic moments. These products are usually modeled on people that don’t need them! People like me have to find out the expensive way whether the effects are for real or not.

We are living in a society of false advertisement! What’s wrong with one more white lie……

Here’s to a faking fabulous 2012
In Love, Sisterhood And Fashion

Cocobeanx